Have you ever felt like screaming at the top of your lungs? I’m feeling that way right about…now. I’m extremely frustrated, tired and confused. Frustrated that I’m not recovering as fast as I would like. Tired of constantly going to the doctor, new treatments and not having the strength or desire to do much. Confused because emotionally I’ve never experienced my life like this before and I don’t know how to fix the way that I am currently feeling. It’s like I’m in a funk.
I want my old life back. I know that I can’t go back in time. That this is my new life post cancer and I have to make the best of it. It’s not fair though. All of the things I have to consider from here on out in regards to my health. The pills that I’ll have to take for the next five years. The oblation of my ovaries (medically making my ovaries stop working for a span of time). No child bearing ever because of all the hormones during pregnancy that could possibly trigger cancer again. I know I know many people have it worse than me but basically the way I feel right now my life currently stinks!
I know what you’re thinking. I should be happy and grateful that God has allowed me to see another day. And yes I am. It’ll get better. Mmm hmm I know this. There’s a reason for everything that happens in your life. Oh how I wish I thoroughly understood the reasoning behind this! (It’s a day-to-day basis for me).
Many people still don’t know about my diagnosis particularly my co-workers. It’s quite interesting though that people have been calling my mom (we’re employed by the same organization) to see how I’m “really doing.” Why are they calling questioning her? Who let the cat out of the bag? Now everyone will be looking and referring to me as the really sick girl. No one wants to be known as the “sick” person.
Soon and very soon everyone will know. Well, at least the people that read a local magazine that highlights the lifestyles of people in my area. I’m being profiled in their October Breast Cancer Awareness issue. I’m humbled that I was even asked. But I’m still not quite sure if I want the entire world to know. It’s going to be pretty neat. There are nine other women who will be profiled as well. We’ll be wearing high-end clothes from local retailers. In addition, we’ve been asked to model in a fashion show to raise money for breast cancer support, research and awareness.
I’m actually looking forward to meeting the other women and hearing their stories. I often feel that I’m all alone in this cancer survivor club. I know there are others that are going through (or who have gone through) as well but it can be hard to remember that when you’re in the middle of your own storm. Using this blog as an outlet to express what I’m currently thinking, what’s going on in my life, how I feel about a variety of issues in our society is becoming therapeutic. I’m going to try my best to not get bogged down with my current situation and make time to write a few lines more often to let it all go. Peace and Love